The River on Holiday

The river on holiday is a very different place from the one I normally experience. There are people on motor boats, jet skies, and those who simply park their boats and sit - blaring music to their heart's content! The river is both crowded and noisy! I look forward to Tuesday - the day after Labor Day when the river will be so much more quiet and introspective.

I managed to get my husband into the river for the first time today. He was not as gentle and careful with Grace as I am. But then, to him she is only a boat. To me - she is so much more. She is a source of peace and of deep connection to the river. She is a contemplative at heart...

The grasses had grown to such an extent this past week that there was only one stretch I found in the water more or less devoid of them. But because of the recent rains, the river was definitely higher.

There were a number of kayakers on the water today - we passed each other or waved to each other now and then, as if there is some unwritten code of respect. Even though I am a novice at best - I still feel welcomed into this distinct group of people.

I thought of how we sometimes make forays into various groups at various junctures of our lives. For example, in my late teens and twenties when I was a liturgical musician and a photographer, I hung around with these very different crowds of eccentric and artistic people. But at some point I drifted away from those relationships and sought out very different friends.

This week I reflected on how sometimes we unexpectedly receive an invitation to be part of a group we might not consider ourselves worthy of belonging to - while I was on conference call with some of the best yoga teachers in the country. I wondered what I was doing in this group and whether I really had much of substance to contribute - but a friend and colleague reassured me that I had earned this recognition through hard work and dedication.

Even though life circumstances - work and interests - supply the reasons for our membership in various groups - it is important to remember we are not better or worse than those who are not part of those groups. We are all one here on this planet - stewards of the same resources. The river is no more mine than it is anyone else's. Today I shared it with the crowd that is only able to enjoy it on holidays and on weekends.

I am blessed, that I can enjoy the river at times when others can't - and when she is more willing to yield her secrets...

Cantata

This week, in the midst of so many things happening, I received an unexpected gift from a beautiful woman - a DVD of a Cantata entitled "The Birth of Christ" by Arthur T. Miller, that was first aired at Christ Church Cathedral in Dublin, Ireland, in August of 2006. This airing was significant because descendants of the choirs that Handel had used to perform his own Messiah participated - and these performers were comprised of both Protestants and Catholics singing with such devotion as I have rarely seen. Watching it touched me deeply and transported me to another place.

I finally had a chance to listen to it yesterday. The music was exquisite and the performances were moving beyond words. I thought of all the separations - real and imagined - that exist in this world, and in my life, and how the power of love and God can transcend all of it. And it brought to mind how music too, has the power to heal and to bridge separations.

I was mesmerized watching the expressions of Amy Bils, the soprano who sang Mary's parts - particularly the pieces relating to the Visitation and the Magnificat - which has always been my favorite canticle:

"My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.
For he has looked with favor
on the lowliness of his servant,
And from now on,
all generations will call me blessed."

I listened to the narration by Liam Neeson and read the materials within the DVD - finding everything to be richly textured with messages for me.

And while I enjoyed this gift of Christmas in August from a very special soul, I realized it was also a gift from God at the right moment in time...

Experiencing Stillness

It's an overcast and rainy day - not a day for the river unfortunately. I have to stay home for an inspection and a conference call so it is a good time to catch up on office work.

It is also an opportunity to find stillness even in the midst of the work that needs to be done. These quotes note the significance and importance of stillness in our lives:

"My greatest wealth is the deep stillness in which I strive and grow and win what the world cannot take from me with fire and sword."

- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

"For peace of mind we need to resign as general manager of the universe."
- Larry Eisenberg

It is in stillness that the richness and fruits of a meditation practice flourish.

It is in stillness that God comes and speaks in the silence of the heart.

Today find and savor stillness somewhere in the busyness of your life.

Hunger for Stillness

Over the last few days, I had the opportunity to speak to a young relative, on the brink of finishing high school, about his interest in meditation. He is intensely passionate about the subject and the experience and is searching for his own path in a very determined way.

I could see the fire in his eyes and in his heart and soul and it warmed my own to see such a beautiful young man so earnestly and passionately engaging in his search. It reminded me of my own quest many decades ago.

I shared with him my own path, and to the extent that I could, my own meditation experience and method which is based on the teachings of Paramahansa Yogananda - who so beautifully and exquisitely illustrated the connection between the ancient teachings of the East and those of Jesus Christ as well. While I practiced many forms of meditation over the years, I did not find and commit to this path until many years later, after skirting the initial call that I felt for nearly a decade.

I was moved yesterday, to send home with this young man's father who is my cousin, my copy of Autobiography of a Yogi, by Yogananda - a wonderful spiritual classic that has stirred the soul of many, and has launched others on their spiritual path.

As I reflected on my conversations with this fine young man, I felt encouraged to know there are people like him out in the world - seeking stillness in their hearts and souls - in essence seeking the Divine. Those of us who seek so urgently, do so I believe, because we have done it before and are compelled by an ancient memory and a desire for union with the Divine.

It is a hunger for stillness.

It is a hunger for the Divine.

And the world is a better place because every once in a while, someone wakes and up and remembers who he or she - truly is.

River Thoughts

I had hoped to get into the water this morning, but I was tired and not feeling like I had a lot of energy.

I watched an individual kayaker and and another group of three - meticulously setting up their gear as they prepared to set off. I talked to one briefly about what a beautiful day it was to launch into the water and how I really didn't have the time to fit it in now and join a friend for lunch - something I was looking forward to.

Somehow, I vicariously experienced their strokes and could literally feel myself push off with them.

As often happens, I reflected on recent events in my life and particularly on how a sudden death in my family got me thinking about the fragility of life and how important it is to take care of oneself. Often we ignore signs in our bodies that could indicate serious conditions, thinking that somehow we are exempt from its repercussions - or that something tragic will not happen to us.

And, as often occurs, I received these quotes from the Inner Journey newsletter that were a good reminder to listen within to what our body is trying to tell us:

"There are times when we may fool ourselves. There are times when we can fool others. But we can never fool our body. It is the most sensitive barometer of our inner world."
- Sherrill Sellman

"Instead of frittering away your vibrancy with worry or distraction, realize your mind and body are inextricably united. What calms and tones up one, soothes and improves the other."
- Marsha Sinetar

"When you are saying that you are happy and you are not, there will be a disturbance in your breathing. Your breathing cannot be natural. It is impossible."
- Osho

"Your body is the ground and metaphor or your life, the expression of your existence. It is your Bible, your encyclopedia, your life story. Everything that happens to you is stored and reflected in your body. In the marriage of flesh and spirit divorce is impossible."
- Gabrielle Roth

"If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?"
- Unknown source

In the River is the Key

Every few days the river propels me down to its banks with a sense of urgency. I feel desperate if my schedule does not allow me to go down. For months I sat on a bench. Then for two more months I sat on the rocks with the water lapping at my toes. And now, I cannot wait to launch Grace!

My sojourn down to the banks of the river is reflective of a very interior journey.

Today I had the river to myself almost the whole time. I can literally be in the river in less than 20 minutes from the time I begin loading Grace into the car.

It was so much easier paddling today. I was more in the flow than not. I was relaxed and did not grip the paddle. I paddled upstream for about 30 minutes covering ground more quickly than I usually do.

I took in the beautiful sights and as I neared the tip of one of the first islands I pass upstream, I observed a blue heron perched on a log. What a magnificent and handsome creature he was! We looked at each other in silent respect for a while, and then he flew away.

I meditated for a while - then floated downstream during my meditation, so amazed to periodically note where I was and the position of Grace. At various junctures I faced every direction.

I thought of letting go and releasing to the flow of the river - letting the gentle currents determine where they would take me - and how it is so much easier when we do that - when we don't resist. And of course, how very much life is like that. Things are much easier when we don't resist them but instead accept them.

And then it reminded me of the quote by Shiva Rea at the end of all my emails:

"Don't push the river.
Let it flow."

I don't think I really understood what that meant until now. All year long I thought I knew what this quote was all about. But it really took getting inside the river - sensing her rhythms and merging with them to really know what it means to not push the river and let it flow...

I wrote recently to a friend about spending time in the river and I quoted Carly Simon's song where she says:

"In the river is the key."

I have come to see how my forays down to the river have been an important part of my spiritual journey. The river has been my soul companion. In the river I have found several keys. Each day I come down, another treasure is revealed. Another gift is given. I find another key...

Light in Darkness

A series of experiences recently made me very much aware how there is always light in every darkness. I received these quotes from The Inner Journey which are a testament to this...

"Each difficult moment has the potential to open my eyes and open my heart."
- Myla Kabat-Zinn

"Even the most daring and accomplished people have undergone tremendous difficulty. In fact, the more successful they became, the more they attributed their success to the lessons learned during their most difficult times. Adversity is our teacher. When we view adversity as a guide towards greater inner growth, we will then learn to accept the wisdom our soul came into this life to learn."
- Barbara Rose

"No matter what difficulty you are facing, it is coming from Divine Light to bring you to a higher place within. Write down every conceivable reason that this situation can contribute towards your growth. Write down every way this experience can possibly set the stage for serving to uplift others. When you are complete, and have come to the other side of this experience, you will then know 'why' it happened."
- Barbara Rose

"The period of greatest gain in knowledge and experience is the most difficult period in one's life."
- Dalai Lama

A Stroke of Insight

I have been longing to get Grace back in the water all week. Finally, I was able to do so on this Friday afternoon.

The water was choppier because of some people on jet skies, and it was windy as well. The grasses had multiplied quite a bit as well. I talked to a woman who emerged from the water at the same time I did and concurred with me that paddling was a lot of work today. She said the grasses had not been this bad in several years, but that rain and colder weather should curtail it.

I wouldn't be honest if I didn't admit that there isn't some element of fear in me at times on the river. The first strokes are always euphoric. But then, encountering the choppy waters, or the dreaded tentacles of the the grasses that get entangled in my paddle and slow me down give me pause for concern. Still, I found a path along side the island and paddled there pretty much undisturbed noticing the beauty of the wildflowers growing there.

It took a lot of work to get to where I wanted to go - and almost just as much to come back. But I did enjoy floating in that place between the island and the Maryland side I had explored on Monday - chanting and praying out there.

I reflected on a podcast I listened to yesterday where Oprah interviewed Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a neuro-anatomist who was able to document what was happening inside of her as she had a stroke. She essentially lost her language and that part of her that identifies with the ego. It is is a fascinating experience that she documents in her book, My Stroke of Insight.

What is this stroke of insight? That we are literally a thought away from the experience of peace which resides in the right hemisphere of our our brain.

Here are some of the notes I took on the talk:

"I am responsible for the energy I bring to others. As a doctor, it is important that I always show up for a patient...

When you dwell in sadness or think of sad thoughts - you feel it in your body. Sadness has a certain physiology. It is a circuitry that you run and you can say no to. You can say to yourself, 'I don't want to go there.' You have the ability to focus your mind on what you want...

We have the ability to quiet the mental chatter in our brains. It occupies the space the size of peanut in our brains...

When you don't think about something, it doesn't exist. Pay attention to your thoughts. You can can change your thoughts...Peace is only a thought away...It is literally that simple...

In the silence of the mind where there is no ego - it is beautiful, peaceful, tranquil, and full of color and it is a place where you are most alive...

Take responsibility for the circuitry you run. You can literally change the game of your life..."

These were certainly powerful words and they dovetail so much with the teachings of Yogananda, the writings of Eckhart Tolle, Stephan Bodian, and so many others. It is so fascinating to me to see so many people from many different disciplines and traditions and eras articulating the same things.

The Practice of Presence

In his book, Wake Up Now, Stephan Bodian offers the following perspective on meditation:

"As an alternative to paying mindful attention to your breathing and other particulars of your sensate experience, I recommend a different approach, both in sitting meditation and in everyday life: the practice of presence. Instead of focusing the light of your awareness like a a laser on a particular object or activity, you open it like the sky, welcoming the experiences that arise just as the sky welcomes the clouds, neither ignoring nor indulging them. Instead of concentrating, you relax and let go, allowing everything to be just as it, without any attempt to control on your part. You're alert but at ease, totally present but not fixated in any way."

Elsewhere he adds these quotes on the practice of presence:

• "Cultivate the mind that dwells nowhere." (Diamond Sutra)
• "Settle the self on the self with imperturbability." (Dainin Katagirl)
• "No thought, no analysis, no reflection, no intention, no cultivation. Let it settle itself." (Tilopa)
• "All you have to do is find out your sources and take up your headquarters there." (Nisargaradetta Maharaj)
• "In true meditation, the emphasis is on being awareness - not on being aware of objects, but on resting as primordial awareness itself." (Adyashanti)

Wake Up Now II

I continue to read Wake Up Now: A Guide to the Journey of Spiritual Awakening by Stephan Bodian and I'll share some of the passages I found insightful and underlined:

"Radical spirituality burns down the walls of your fantasy world and invites you to face your feelings of lack and inadequacy directly, without conceptual overlays. In the light of present awareness, you come to see that the separate self is just a construct and the feelings are just that - merely feelings - and have nothing to do with who you really are, which is the limitless space in which thoughts and feelings arise. 'Give up the tendency to define yourself,' says Nisargadatta Maharaj. 'Whatever concept you have about yourself cannot be true.' Indeed, the feeling of inner emptiness, which may seem so threatening, actually points to the radiant emptiness or void at the heart of existence...

'Cease to be a knower,' says Ramana Maharshi. 'Then there is perfection.'

The more you set aside your beliefs and encounter life directly, without argument or struggle, the more you discover a natural responsiveness that's inherently gentle, loving, and ethical and doesn't require a spiritual worldview to maintain..."

'In your absence is your presence (Jean Klein).'"

Wake Up Now

The river was so still and quiet this morning. Even the air was still. There seemed to be no discernible movement - except for my many passing and wandering thoughts...

As I sat on the rocks, I reflected on how my relationship to the river has changed now that I have actually been in it - floating upon it in my vessel called Grace - sometimes seeming to sink into it as if I am being engulfed by the surrounding waters. The river is no longer as mysterious to me.

I was however, concerned by this green stuff growing inside the river which literally seems to be choking it. A couple of weeks ago there were some scant evidences of it particularly when I was in the water. But now I could look out and see it everywhere. Yesterday I was slowed down at times by the density of it - whatever it is - as I tried to avoid it. I hope this is something seasonal. Then it came to me, that many of my own thoughts slow down spiritual progress much like this growing underwater grass-like substance slows my own movement through the water. At times, I felt a passing fear of being trapped or engulfed by these very large and thick strands.

Images and feelings connected to a conversation I had with a dear friend struggling with clinical depression arose and weighed heavily upon me as I thought of the beauty and fragility of life so evident. We talked of how things can sometimes appear to be so bleak in the midst of so many blessings.

I also reflected on a book recommended by a colleague and friend that I have been reading - Wake Up Now: A Guide to the Journey of Spiritual Awakening by Stephan Bodian, because so much of what I am reading in there ties in to things I have read recently elsewhere. Still, I wondered why the implementation and the realization and the embodiment of these essential spiritual truths were so difficult to learn.

For example, many of us believe that knowledge is power. Yet the spiritual master Nisargatta Maharaj once extolled that "all knowledge is a form of ignorance."

Bodian observes the following in his book:

"Concepts of any kind only serve to separate you from the rich, intimate, juicy experience of this moment right now. Once you label the flower or the insect, psychoanalyze your partner or friend...you no longer really see them as they are, but only as the mind understands them to be, trapped in an intellectual framework that freezes the river of constant change into a single frame and leaves out the flow that makes the river what it is. This conceptual overlay separates you from life and leaves you feeling estranged and disconnected...

But if you set aside your ideas, you have the potential in each moment to experience life directly, intimately, without any division between knower and known...

As the mystic William Blake put it, 'If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite.'"

Ah! But to cleanse the doors of perception! Is this not easier said than done? And so much easier for some than for others! Is there not an easier way to learn this lesson?

"In spiritual illumination the apparent separation between knower and known dissolves into pure, undivided knowing, which is simply existence itself...

Radical spirituality teaches that your ideas and stories are the only things that separate you from the truth of your essential nature. Once you stop taking them as a reality and see them for what they are, mere thoughts, you have an opportunity to fall back into the vast, spacious, luminous, thought-free presence that is always already who you really are - the living reality that no thought can possibly touch. 'Realization is not the acquisition of anything new or a new faculty,' says Ramana Maharshi. 'It is only the removal of all camouflage.'"

So many of us are prisoners of our thoughts and minds. Buddhist lamas have often observed that Westerners live too much in their heads and are held captive there. It seems we spend a lifetime learning - we acquire knowledge and learn to analyze - and yet this is what spiritual traditions say we must leave behind. Yogananda once wrote that suffering occurs in the mind.

A therapist wisely suggested recently that we must turn off the various layers of our being - like a car key - the physical first, then the somatic, and finally our thoughts...

I often come to the river full of thoughts. But in the stillness and through meditation practices, some of them drop away, perhaps transmuted by the river. But oh, there is still so far to go!

The River is Mine

Re-entry into the world has been slow...I have not been drawn to write or read...

This morning I went down to the river for the first time in about 10 days. I have been studiously pouring over some kayaking books I bought - trying to learn more about the sport and about essential skills. It is always interesting to try and translate book knowledge or information into practice.

For example, strength and power should come from the core. And of course, this reminded me of my own practice of Anusara Yoga and how we move from the periphery to the core - and engage the core strongly in poses.

There was no one at the river this morning. No one at the parking lot. No one "in" the river.

I paddled for a long time upstream, finally angling around one of the islands between the Virginia and the Maryland side until I was totally on the Maryland side. It was very quiet and peaceful. After all those days humbled by the vastness and the power of the ocean it felt comforting and familiar to be exploring various facets of this river that has been a silent witness to my life. And indeed, to many lives...

I observed for how long I continued to float upstream after I stopped paddling. Then there was the pause - the kumbhaka between strokes and breaths - and the slight initial movement that propelled my boat to begin moving downstream.

For part of that kumbhaka - I floated and drifted off into meditation. I was immersed in total silence and stillness - except for the occasional bird and the humming of insects. I could have remained there forever.

It is nothing short of a gift to be on this river. I gave thanks for the opportunity to live a life that affords me so much time to connect with Spirit.

And I gave thanks for the life and presence of the grandmother who transitioned 13 years ago today. A cousin and I remembered her fondly last night in a conversation, marveling at how we had both been visited by her in dreams during moments of our lowest lows.

This morning, in this river, I felt a peace that has been largely absent of late. I gave thanks for what is - and for what cannot be.

An Ocean of Secrets

There is so much to write about but there is not enough time right now. For the last couple of days my internet connection has been dicey.

Yesterday I took a boat out to see the whales and we saw three different kinds. We were followed around by about 5 humpback whales - one of them fairly young and playful. It was magnificent to see them and the day was beautiful.

We spend over 4 hours on the water. I enjoyed the wind, the blueness of the water, and was overwhelmed by the vastness of the ocean. I thought of the actress who played the old Rose in the movie version of the Titanic and who stated that: "A woman's heart is a vast ocean of secrets."

We visited Provincetown and the memorial to the pilgrims there. What is often not known is that they landed there first and spent about 5 months there before continuing on to Plymouth. In the museum I was fascinated by an Eskimo kayak made out of animal skin in the 1800's. I certainly couldn't imagine being in one of those!

Today we spent a wonderful day on Martha's Vineyard. The day could not have been more perfect. Unfortunately, tomorrow it is time to return!

Pratyahara and the Turtle

The shoreline was different again today - the water was agitated and rough with countless white-capped waves...

I came across this description of pratyahara - one of the eight limbs of yoga - that is often translated as "withdrawal of the senses." This comes from Pandit Rajmani Tigunait:

"Like a turtle drawing its head and limbs into its home, you withdraw from the entangled places of your mind..."

I have felt a lot like a turtle over this last year, and a few months ago a colleague and friend gave me a blue turtle sticker that has been on my yoga mat all these months.

Was the turtle an invitation to draw deeper within - or was it instead more reflective of my current interior state? Or was it perhaps, a little of both? Certainly it was worth some contemplation on my part on this cold morning down by the ocean...

Ultimately, that is what a yoga and meditation practice seeks to enable us to do - to withdraw from the entangled places of our minds that often hold us captive. We are invited to let go of ego and all that clouds our true nature and our connection to the Divine...

If only the realization and embodiment of this fact were so easy!

The Wave and the Ocean

It is an overcast and cooler day, so there was virtually no one down by the beach this morning. I literally had it all to myself. Such a contrast from yesterday morning!

I sat on a rock and marveled at how the shoreline has looked totally different these last three days - almost as if I were coming to a different beach every day. I did some meditations and prayers, offering them up for a friend on her birthday today.

As I sat in the chilly breeze, surveying the breathtaking landscape and listening to the incoming waves, I thought of how Yogananda often compares the individual soul to a wave in the ocean.

As I took in the broad expanse of the ocean, I understood why it is such a wonderful metaphor for God. It is huge - boundless - without limit - and endless. It encompasses everything and it has no peer.

Yogananda often urges his devotees to repeat this beautiful affirmation during meditation:

"I and the Father are one."

It occurred to me, that this is the equivalent to repeating "Tat Tvam Asi" - "I am That" - or, in other words - "I and the Father are one." By instructing Westerners to repeat this simple prayer, the wise guru and teacher showed the way to obtaining union with God. The more we repeat this prayer - the more we grow into the awareness, belief, and acceptance, that God is always near and dear to us.

The wave cannot exist without the ocean. It is the ocean that animates the wave. Each one of us represents a unique wave of the ocean - and of course, the ultimate realization is that we are the ocean.

Such a simple lesson, but such a hard one to realize and embody! As I sat by the ocean this morning, I had a much deeper insight into the importance of this lesson.

The River, the Ocean, and the Present Moment

I was hoping to get Grace back into the river on Friday, but I had repair estimates to get for the house and packing that needed to get done as well. I did however, get a chance to at least visit the river before leaving for vacation.

I met a wonderful couple down by the rocks on Friday. The man had just bought a kayak that week as well, and his wife, from Beijing, told me all about the trip they had just taken to Alaska. We noted the auspiciousness of that day: 8-8-08, and since they were both school teachers, we had much in common to talk about.

Yesterday morning we flew into Boston and then drove to Cape Cod. We are staying at Ocean's Edge, in Brewster, and I have a view of the bay from my balcony.

In the late afternoon I walked down by the water during high tide and found a rock where I could sit with my feet in the water while I meditated for almost an hour.

This morning the tide was so low you could literally walk forever out into the water. So for an hour and a half I walked along the shoreline feeling very much one with the ocean, and with the schools of little tadpoles or fish, and the seagulls. How could one not be in the present moment in the midst of so much beauty and stillness?

Later, I walked along Route 6A and stopped for a cappuccino in a wonderfully funky herb and crystal store. I was invited to drink my coffee out in the herb garden, which I did, accompanied by a very friendly dog, named Brewster. The name of the store is The Jewel of Brewster. I think I will come back here again!

There is a lot of work for me to do - but instead of doing any of it - I am choosing to enjoy every moment and just witness how every present moment unfolds into the next...

I think I could get used to this!

A Day of Blessings

Today is 8-8-08 - a most auspicious day in China and Asia, and I have a friend who turns 50 today. My good wishes are with her! Today is also the start of the Olympics in Beijing.

My husband and I talked about the significance of this date and we noted how he will turn 55 on 9-9-09. He actually turned 45 on 9-9-99 and 45 in numerology equals 9. He was born on 9-9-54 - and again - 54 equals 9. I keep telling him he has no idea of the significance of his numbers, but he doesn't believe me, ha, ha!

This morning, in the midst of packing for a trip to Cape Cod, I reflected on the many events of my day yesterday, and some of the insights I gained from a gifted therapist. So much of what he had to say centered around awakening. I just happen to be reading Stephan Bodian's book, Wake Up Now, which reinforces some of those insights.

Then I ran across these quotes:

"Your vision will become clear
only when you look inside your own heart.
Who looks outside, dreams,
who looks inside, awakes."
- Carl Jung

"The soul walks not upon a line;
neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself
like a lotus of countless petals."
- Kahlil Gibran

Ho'oponopono

Recently, I went to the ordination of a friend. One of the speakers there spoke of Dr. Len, a Hawaiian who has been credited with remarkable healings by applying an ancient Hawaiian teaching.

The teaching is based on the belief that to rectify and deal with problems - whether they involve our relationships to others or pertain to global situations - we must heal and clear ourselves first if a change is to occur. This makes sense only if one considers the inherent unity of all things that so many ancient traditions address and teach about - even though this essential unity of all is so difficult for Westerners to accept. Yet, our refusal to see, understand, or accept this reality, is at the heart of all our problems - personal and global.

Dr. Len was able to have all the patients released in a mental ward, eventually clearing out the whole institution - not by meeting with them - but by practicing this ancient teaching as he held the files of all those patients. He simply said this mantra, or prayer over and over again - not for those patients - but to God - to clear and heal his own relationship with the Divine and thus clear and heal others. And of course, there is no "other..."

One simply says this - or any variation of it:

I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
I love you.
Thank you.

One can begin with any of the sentences and mix and match the order, depending on one's intuition or circumstances.

Last summer, as I was undergoing a number of difficulties, I made it my daily practice to say these "affirmations" over and over again when I went on a walk. I did notice a shift in situations and in myself. I was reminded of this powerful practice again when I heard the speaker at my friend's ordination, and have found myself engaging in this practice once more on various occasions.

If we are all inter-connected - then what happens to one of us - affects the rest of us. Consequently, if we need to heal a relationship - we must focus on ourselves and not on what we deem the other person should or must do. If someone is hurting deeply - we cannot truly help them unless we do the work we need to do for ourselves so that we may heal and clear.

It is so interesting to me how there are so many instructors and writers today saying and teaching very similar things. They are simply re-inventing or re-articulating very ancient truths and teachings for a new era - things we "knew" at some historical juncture and now need to re-learn. There is truly nothing new under the sun.

Joe Vitale, in his book Zero Limits, documents his own application of this ancient Hawaiian teaching resulting in some very amazing experiences.

I invite you to try it. I have found it to be a pretty incredible practice!

Silence

It is silent in the middle of the river. And very peaceful...I paddled and gave thanks for many blessings, and especially for all those who came last night to my inaugural yoga class at my new home and studio.

I wanted to go down to the river early, but I had a couple of appointments, so I went around noon. It was overcast, and for a while there wasn't anyone else around on the river...

There were moments when I seemed in the flow - with the paddling, with the water, with the breathtaking scenery...We were one... On occasion, the paddling felt effortless - there was a gentle rhythm. I likened it to working on a yoga pose - sometimes for years - a pose like handstand which can elicit so much fear and be so difficult - until one day you nail it and then over time it becomes light and exhilarating instead. Perhaps some day, paddling would become like that...

I paddled upstream for a long time then floated - closed my eyes and delighted in the silence. I thought of Thomas Merton, who wrote:

"In the deep silence,
wisdom begins to sing her unending,
sunlit, inexpressible song:
the private song she speaks
to the solitary soul."

There is so much noise and so many distractions in everyday life and people get so caught up in it, and life just passes one by. Silence enables us to hear more deeply. Silence enables us to connect with God. In fact, Yogananda often wrote that God loves silence and the more silent we are - the more the Divine approaches and penetrates us.

These beautiful words from a Vasant Lad poem from his book, Strands of Eternity also came to mind:

"Your heart is a womb
that longs to become pregnant with God...

Become pregnant with God.
Do not look outside yourself.
No one can enlighten you.
Even the guru is just a mirror...

God is beating in your heart.
God is breathing in your lungs.
God is feeling through your mind.

God is working in your body at every moment,
but you are not aware...
You and God are inseparable..."

In the silence - in the middle of the river as I floated downstream my heart felt pregnant with God and one with everything...

One with the River

Grace and I head out to the boat launch this morning...I'd be lying if I didn't admit I had some trepidation!

I push away from the shore and don't want to venture too far or lose sight of the boat launch...But soon I plod on - more confidently - to the other side of the river...

I explore the shoreline, but find my side of the river to be more beautiful. The rocks and my bench seems so different from the water...I now look longingly on them as I had looked upon this side - knowing that I have traveled far...

I explore areas that have called me and then paddle upstream - trying to find a rhythm... Every now and then I find one - I go into a zone and paddling seems effortless, as if I had done it before... Yet this is work and the rhythm is elusive...

Grace and I float in the gentle breeze and the warm sun as I offer up prayers - here - in the center of the river - grateful that at last after 9 months of visiting this place I am now one with the river...

I give thanks for all the things I have experienced - good and bad - everything is always a lesson - and all that happens truly follows a Divine order of things...I trust and know that...

So many beginnings in the last few months and weeks - teaching in my new studio tonight, teaching at the studio that has been my spiritual home - and now experiencing Grace in so many permutations within this river. So much that has led me here - to this point... And there is still so much farther to go!

After two hours, I reluctantly return to the shore on my side of the river - Grace and I are no longer river virgins - both of us initiated by touch, by sight - by dazzling vistas, and by thought - prayers offered and received by the river and by the Divine...

"The water is your friend...you don't have to fight with water,
just share the same spirit as the water,
and it will help you move."
- Alexander Popov

A Vessel of Grace

After early Sunday morning meditations I head down to the garage to dedicate my new kayak...

She is beautiful - all 39 pounds of her - a mosaic of light and darker blues...

I anoint her with holy water from another river - the sacred Ganges and from the grotto of Lourdes - just like the sacred space I anointed last week...

I touch her gently with fragrant holy oil and christen her with spikenard - the rare oil that the scriptures say Mary Magdalen used when she anointed the feet of Jesus.

I call upon God, a sacred lineage of gurus, Kwan Yin, and Mother Mary, and dedicate my sacred vessel and name her "Grace," the name Ann Linnea gave to her own vessel, and a word that has been central to my path and my experience...

Let her be strong... Let her take me places I have not been to yet in my spiritual journey... Let her open doors for me that I have not yet been able to access... Let her enable me to surrender more fully to the river...

I journey from having been an observant spectator at the river, to having become a more active participant - and to finally merging and becoming one with the river - satisfying my thirst for wholeness...

I will surrender to the river, and in so doing, I will surrender more deeply to God...

And the words, excerpted from this beautiful poem from the book Strands of Eternity by Vasant Lad, waft into my soul:

Surrender

...What does it mean to surrender to God...?

Surrendering to God means surrendering
to your awareness, your consciousness,
your experience at this very moment...

Surrender can't be practiced.
It happens now or never.
When you surrender to every moment,
your life becomes a celebration.
Celebrate each feeling, each thought, every emotion
and your life will flow like a river.
The river is born deep within the mountain.
It flows through the jungles and valleys,
through cities and villages
and ultimately the river merges with the ocean.

Surrender is the river that will deliver you back
to the ocean of cosmic consciousness.

The Ocean of the Heart II

Yesterday's blog entry prompted me to look up the passage in the Kularnava Tantra which gave Anusara Yoga it's name (14:36). I have a translation that is not the most user friendly. It reads:

"The disciple receives the Guru according to the impact of the Shakti (Shaktipata); where there is no impact of Shakti there is no fulfillment."

The preceding three sutras to sutra 14:36, speak on the various kinds of initiation without rituals that are given to a devotee, bringing to mind personal experiences of various forms of initiation received:

"Oh my Beloved! Initiation and instruction by touch is likened to the slow nourishing of its young by the bird with the warmth of its wings.

Initiation and instruction by sight is like the nourishing of its young by the fish through it seeing alone.

Initiation and instruction by thought is like the nourishing of its young by the tortoise by only thinking of them..."

I recalled that on two occasions, the Shiva scholar, Paul Muller-Ortega, at the Denver gathering of Anusara Yoga certified teachers, shared with us his own translations of sutra 14:36. The first of these was more freely rendered and cogent. The next day, he gave us another interpretation after reflecting further on the sutra that was more explicit and poetic:

"By the flowing descent of the Divine in the form of grace itself, the disciple is initiated."

And,

"To the degree and conformity that the great flowing force of the Divine is manifested as the descent of the Shakti - there the student feels moved, and is inclined by grace. And in that place where the Shakti does not descend - there is no discernment and groundedness of life - and the Shakti does not arise."

This sutra haunted me all of yesterday, particularly as I plodded through messy piles of arcane and esoteric texts at Nataraj Bookstore, one of my favorite places to go and lose myself for a few hours. I kept thinking of the various ways in which we are initiated, some more subtle, others more dramatic - still others, more formal - but all of them fruits of the gift of grace.

The Ocean of the Heart

Last night, as I made my long trek to the studio where I study for the third time this week to observe a master teacher's class, I listened to a lecture by John Friend, the founder of Anusara Yoga, on my ipod.

He spoke of the Kularnava Tantra, a Tantric scripture that gave Anusara Yoga it's name. Anusara received its name on the 50th anniversary of Swami Muktananda receiving Shaktipat from his guru on August 15th, 1997.

August 15th is also the Feast of the Assumption of Mary, always a very special day. I also thought of spending this feast years ago, at the Trappist Monastery at Genesee, and having the pleasure of speaking to Abbot John Eudes, who was a scholastic under Thomas Merton, one of the most gifted and prolific spiritual writers of the 20th century, whose writings I have devoured for decades. (The Abbot also wrote a very esoteric and obscure text on Evagrius Ponticus - which I happened to have read, much to the amazement of those present at the time!)

John said that the title of this scripture - Kularnava Tantra - means: "the ocean of the heart." Hearing this, warmed my own heart. On my web site I have this explanation:

"Anusara is a Sanskrit word from the Kularnava Tantra (14:36) inviting us to step into the rich current of Divine Grace. Pulsating within us and seeking self expression, Divine Grace flows in and out of our hearts, bringing our bodies, our minds, and our souls into greater alignment."

The meaning of this word was brought to life once again as I marveled at a master teacher working her magic as she deftly instructed a full class of beginning students in the beauty of the Anusara method. She invited them to go into their hearts and connect with their inner wisdom. It was especially amazing to me that this full class started at 8 PM and went until about 9:45 PM. Normally, during summer sessions, classes are not this full - and certainly not during such a time slot!

I thought of these things this morning as I sat on my rock surveying my river - my constant friend - watching three kayakers launch off mere feet away from me.

I did my meditations and stepped into the energy of a new month and new ventures and opportunities unfolding, letting go of my past once again...

I also smiled at these words, written to me by a former colleague who ran the Admissions Department years ago, when we both worked at Georgetown Visitation Preparatory School, in Georgetown, DC. She is now a young member of the Board of Trustees:

"I love seeing where you are now - on your own, grace in motion, so very YOU - I keep thinking back to our couch conversation 18 months ago - kind of seems like we were both at the mouth of the river ready to let it take us where it flows..."

Yes - I smiled, even in the midst of heart strings still tugging, now staring at the mouth of the river, watching kayakers paddle upstream, wanting to join them, my heart so full of longing on so many different levels, yet always ready to flow wherever I may go...