The River Calls Me in Darkness

The river calls me in darkness...I cannot sleep...For days it seems to elude me...Is this a new pattern in my life?

I arise and am in the water paddling upstream very early in the morning. Once more, I angle up the river by paddling in the center, something I never really do...And once more I sense the river is urging me to seek balance...

It is hazy, quiet, and as still as the river has been in a very long time. The surface of the water is covered with many little pools of bubbles, looking almost as if someone has spit into the river all over the place. It reminds me of the physical - as well as the spiritual act of purgation - a step on the ladder of Divine ascent - reaching out hungrily towards illumination...

My soul is in such need of illumination...

I paddle and an interior voice prays and sings a song by Cat Stevens:

"I listen to the wind,
to the wind of my soul.

Where I'll end up, I think
Only God really knows..."

I am in a place between places - once more in "kumbhaka" - that pause between breaths so impregnated by the presence of the Divine. Even Grace, my beautiful kayak and companion, is held captive by the stillness of the water, merely floating, and not being taken downstream...

I sit, I float, I wait, I pray, I ask, I bargain, I forgive, and I recite ancient words from the Upanishads:

"Lead me from the unreal to the real.
Lead me from darkness to light.
Lead me death to immortality."

I reflect on Marianne Williamson's post this morning:

"Let miracles replace all grievances..."

And this quote by Yogananda:

"Whatever you want others to be,
first be that yourself.
Then, you will find others responding
in like manner to you."

And a bright light shares this:

"Bring your LIGHT into this world
by doing the things you love,
living your values, feeling your feelings
and speaking your TRUTH."

And she also offers this:

"The very Center of our Love
is the spot of Grace
that issues Peace."

And this one as well:

"Go Deep, confront your resistance,
investigate your shadows, and open your heart.

As another bright light I know, would say, what else is there?

I continue to paddle, reaching my favorite spot, and am deeply touched by my yoga teacher's class and theme yesterday. She invited us to let go of the limiting effects of "anava mala" - and the dust it leaves on our hearts. She asked us to consider relinquishing once and for all our sense of not being good enough, and to do every pose as an offering to release our limitations.

I was moved almost to tears as I considered all the limiting dialogue I have subjected myself to...

My teacher shared a beautiful affirmation she said every day for a year to transform an aspect of herself. And here on this river, this morning, my own arises from deep within my soul. I sense it holds the key to change...

I emerge from the river, with the energy to take on whatever the day may bring...


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