Aligning with Grace

  Grief is a funny thing... This is what I texted a friend this morning. Today marks a year and a half since my father died... A lifetime ago, or only yesterday - depending on the day... There is no timetable for grief. It takes as long as it takes. It looks different for everybody. No two experiences are the same... And there is no right or wrong... This morning, I donned my new "Blessed" hat I picked up at Lidl and went for a morning walk. It was cool and overcast. A perfect day and reflection of how I felt. And then, unexpected and lovely things happened... I ran into a woman walking a small, scruffy white dog and three cats - none of them on leashes, just slowly ambling about, and I struck up a conversation with their mom. The cats, she said - think they are dogs. They literally walk with her and respond to her commands. They don't run off. She rescued one of them from a dumpster. The little dog was old and one eyed, and re-named Pearl. She was all bark and no bite a...

In my last entry, I shared with you the aftermath of my cataract surgery, and how the results were not quite what I had expected and how it made me very fearful. As a result, I started doing this practice, which I am about to share with you,  to deal with my fears about the outcome of my first surgery, and other fears I was struggling with as well. Like many of you, I too, have struggled not only with fear, but with anxiety and depression as well over the years. In so many ways, they are all related. This "practice" literally came out of nowhere. Well, it always comes from somewhere. Sometimes we are simply inspired from the Other Side when we need some extra help. It always seems to come. If we are willing to be still. And just listen. The image that came to me was this... I saw myself as Gal Gadot in the movie "Wonder Woman" - complete with her spear and shield. I loved her in that movie. I visualized the object of my fear in front of me. I took ...

You don't know what you don't know. Be gentle with yourself. We think we know everything. I know I do. We think we know what is happening.  We think we know what other people are thinking. And what they are feeling. We think that that the way we interpret reality is the correct version of current affairs. But really, this only brings to the forefront, our lack of wisdom and knowledge. There is so much we don't know. We don't know the pain people carry within. Recently, several well known celebrities took their lives, and many, on social media, posted messages and phone numbers for those suffering to reach out. But here's the thing. When you are in such deep pain, you hide it well. And you don't reach out. I know this, because I have struggled with depression and many around me had no idea. You don't often know what you think you know. About others, and yourself as well. Sometimes, you are very surprised to realized you were completely mi...

"You never step into the same river twice." ~ Heraclitus Nothing is ever the same. Everything changes. This river, that I have visited - at times nearly every day - over the space of a decade, is not the same. But then neither am I. I came to this river, suggested as a meeting place by a friend during a time of neediness and great pain and impending transitions. I came back, many a morning, feeling alone, having hit rock bottom, in the throws of deep depression, to do a rosary of spiritual practices: Lovingkindness meditations, Reiki chants, actual rosaries, prayers both traditional and spontaneous, the offering of blessings, and whatever else arose from the depths of my soul. For several years I came, almost daily. One morning, while sitting on a boulder by the riverbank, the river beckoned me to come inside. And so I did. I bought a kayak without even thinking about it, and spent a few years paddling upstream - repeating mantras, reciting prayers, while receiving...

Sometimes depression comes into our lives for a reason... And sometimes, it stays with us for a season... But sometimes, depression takes up residence in our our hearts and souls for a very long time... And some of us struggle with depression our whole lives... I have not been able to stop thinking about Cory Monteith, the talented young actor from GLEE. He engaged in a life long struggle with drugs that began very early for him and that finally took his life. He might have struggled with depression too. I don't know. Sometimes addiction and depression go hand in hand.  I'm sure many fans of GLEE were shocked upon hearing of the death of this young man in the prime of his life. I was. I am "almost" twice his age, and while I've never struggled with a drug addiction like Cory did, I think I know a bit of what he may have felt... Often, when these tragedies occur, many do not see it coming - especially those who are its victims... A couple of years ag...

I arise in the morning with the freshness of the day, and very much sensing the energy of a new month... I sit in meditation, more deeply and longer than I have in weeks, and I am ready to re-commit myself to my path once again... My day becomes consumed with painting a spare bedroom off of my home yoga studio - and I realize, that every time I am in the midst of major transitions in my life, I paint a room! I recall a couple of years ago, when I was still very much in the throes of depression, sitting in an airport, and reading how the color of a room contributes very much to one's moods - its elevation as well as its descent into denser regions. I came home, and painted my bathroom the loudest, in my face, yellow that I could find - to tackle the depths of winter and the gathering storms of whatever darkness attempted to settle in my mind. I painted with the intent that this shade of yellow give voice to what I could not articulate in that moment. I willed it to assertively screa...