Surrendering to the River in Fog

I arise and meditate in the sheer anticipation of launching into the fog soon - something I have never done before - knowing that Grace and I will offer ourselves to this enveloping and swirling veil, so symbolic, on so many levels...

I launch into the river on a crisp and cool morning with a fog so thick I cannot see to the other side. I begin to paddle and am startled by a large bass that jumps out along the left side of Grace. It looks me in the eye - and I am momentarily confronted by my fears. I want to hug the shoreline and do so for a while, but the fog is calling me to join it, much deeper within...

I know my island is on the other side and I must go, so I let go of holding on - and paddle into the thick mist. If this is not surrender, I don't know what is...

I let go - I go in - I open to grace...

I paddle upstream for a while navigating the waters of my life and watching the misty fog dance and skip on the surface of the river accompanied by a flock of black birds - willing dance partners to the foggy mist. Then I meditate and pray, and let go - and allow myself to gently and quietly float downstream, lost in contemplation and endless supplications...

I meditate here, in the middle of the river, on Rosh Hashanah - the beginning of the High Holy Days - the "Days of Awe." This day of the Jewish New Year is one for introspection and I am invited to revisit my past mistakes. I ask forgiveness for all of my transgressions - and for all those whom I have hurt. I most especially forgive, all those that have hurt me - knowingly and unknowingly...

I lay all that is in my heart and soul at the feet of the Divine - all that I must let go of - all that stands in the way of my growth and transformation...

I call upon a sacred lineage of gurus, especially Lahiri Mahasaya whose birthday it is today...

I reflect on how I am on the threshold of ending a month and stepping into another - which will bring me full circle into the completion of this year - marking the first time I came to the river at a soul companion's suggestion...

It is so beautiful and peaceful here in the center of the river, enveloped gently by the fog that I want to stay here forever... As I float downstream, I can sense every subtle nuance in the movement of Grace - in a way I have never before been able to experience - knowing at every moment which direction I am moving towards or facing - as if I can see with a more sacred, interior sight...

I open to grace - seeking to align more fully with grace...

I open my eyes nearly an hour later...The fog has mostly lifted. I can see the shorelines on both sides of the river, though a thin mist on the surface of the river remains, and I can see the sun poking through, looking like the moon reflected in the waters. I note that Grace is pointing straight ahead towards the boat launch area.

I paddle in, with a strange sense of exhilaration - knowing I surrendered something very deeply in these healing waters as I surrendered on my mat the last few days...

I step out onto clearer waters for the first time in days - like my mind and my soul - and Grace is nearly pristine...She and I have been baptized on this Jewish holy day and made clean as we step into a new year. I could not have made deeper forays into this journey of the heart and soul without her.