Triage at the River

For only the second time since my surgery last summer, I stepped into the river...

It's not like I haven't been in the river at this time of year before, but never in capris, and short sleeves, and my purple crocs!

I pushed away from the launch site, and felt both freedom and exhilaration, as I paddled into the river, in Grace, my trusty kayak, who also accompanied me upstream day after day, just a few years ago, as I battled depression...

But today, the only tune that played in my head, was, "I'm free! I'm free!," by The Who. I know. I'm dating myself...

I paddled to the Maryland side of the Potomac River, only intending to be there for a bit. I had a lot of work waiting for me back home. And, I was overwhelmed by the many needs out there, and so many requests for Reiki, prayers, healing energy and my time...

I intended to say a few prayers, and somehow decide who needed them most today, and head back...

But, God had something else in store for me. I was drawn to slowly paddle upstream on other side of the first island in the river, where I have seldom gone...

Instead of engaging in triage, I "heard" a Voice within me say,

"It is not for you to decide who needs your attention most. Just pray and be present, and I will take care of the rest."

I wanted to argue with the Voice. I wanted to say -

"I just don't have enough time to do everything, and to be present to everyone. And besides, what about me? What about my needs?"

But, almost immediately, I felt the silliness of my thoughts, and remembered a dear friend who helped her father die last week say to me, "Now is not the time for prayers, but the time to be present, and to do..."

I realized, that I still had so much to learn, so much to work on, and much to divest myself of...

When you paddle upstream, if you let go - you enter into a rhythm with the river. When you do not fight the current, and just find that place where you sort of merge with it, it just flows. It becomes a dance, and you, the river, and the cadence of the paddling all become one. And then, it becomes almost effortless...

So I paddled, and halfway up the one side of the island, I saw the noble swan again. He was so magnificent. Just sitting there. Totally unperturbed. I know he was inviting me to be still... Just simply to let go and be silent and still...

And then I heard the words... "To whom much is given - much is asked..."

I had been tended to... It was now my time to give, and to share my resources, and not worry about whether it would all be replenished or not...

I recalled the meaning of swan totems. These graceful avian creatures are all about healing, and stepping into your own power, and transformation, and tapping into all the resources hidden deeply within... Yes, they are all about inner power and grace...

I thought to myself, the swan knows... He knows what I need, and he stayed where he was, moving gracefully from time to time in hardly discernible and very incremental movements. He was exhorting me to be who I was. And to do, what I was being asked to do right now...

I paddled around the corner, and floated downstream, resisting my urge to correct my course, remembering a wise insight that came to me on this very river years ago, when I was in my darkest hour, feeling so alone, and so lost:

"Let go of holding on, and hold on to letting go..."

I floated, and prayed, and sent healing to so many hurting, their voices blending like a fine whiskey in my head - a virtual cacophony of needs, of pains, of losses, of turning points...

I floated, and imbibed the peace on this river - listening to the barely audible sound of the breeze, and the joyous splashing by the occasional bass jumping and flapping about, and I knew that everything would evolve and resolve as it should... Every prayer would be listened to, and every need addressed. Each, in its own time. But, it was not for me to decide these things. All I had to do - was to simply be present to each and everyone that came to me - in the moment...